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Saturday, November 20, 2010

The New Climate Reform Bill

Washington, DC (PFNN) -- In an exclusive report, PFNN has learned of a surprising move by the Democrat lame duck session of Congress. In a bold attempt to repeat their successes of the past. They plan a repeat of the same tactics that allowed the Healthcare Reform bill to pass over the public's objections, the Climate Control and Reform Act of 2010 will be passed at the last hour of the last minute on the last day of 2010 Congressional business. The Speaker of the House and Senate Leader have determined that they can give the American people one last "gift" before they lose control of the House. Word has leaked that they are preparing a 6000 page bill with an estimated cost of $14 Trillion cost that will change the way the world looks at climate forever.

The bill mandates that the knowledge gained over the history of man's affect on the weather patterns be applied to the ultimate goal of allowing complete control of the climate worldwide. With the ultimate goal of controlling the activities of all humans. It is felt that by taking control of the climate the Democrats will guarantee that they can retake control of Congress in 2012 and assuring the re-election of President Obama. The total cost may be an issue, but by timing the vote at such a critical time it is felt that passage is assured.

Although none of the technologies need to fulfill the mandates exists, it is felt that by simply passing the bill will make the promised changes occur through the shear force of will alone. In addition, through the use of temperature and rain patterns any state that does not support the efforts will be nudged into compliance. Substantial penalties have been included in the bill to insure that few states will actually oppose implementation. At first read penalties range from mandated droughts to monsoon rain storms.

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Some in Congress have worked very hard to maintain secrecy around this plan. It is felt that if this plan is leaked early the surprise will be destroyed. They hope that no one will notice until after Christmas and once passed it, like the hugely popular Healthcare law, will be impossible to repeal.

The basic idea seems to revolve around the funneling of large payments to Climate Scientist, Carbon Traders, Al Gore, and Congressional Campaign Committees. Funds will be used for direct payments to states that fit into narrowly defined terms, such as the number of Democrats in the state government. Additional funds may be used to convince citizens that in fact the government is in fact controlling the weather.

From leaked parts of the bill it seems most of the bill contains strings of disconnected words that serve only to hide the true intent and content of the law. Insiders have said that they believe that this is the Democrats last chance to loot the treasury and bankrupt the country. As a counter to these critics the first attempt at climate alteration will be a huge controlled burn of over $1 Billion in cash on the White House lawn.

Pedro's Fake News Network (PFNN) - We put the P back into the fake network news.

©2010 Pedro Sykes - Some Rights Reserved

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Tuesday, July 6, 2010

New Solution for the Gulf Oil Spill

Washington DC (PFNN) After months and several setbacks in the Administration's war on the oil spilling into the Gulf of Mexico the government is looking into new strategies to help contain the damage done to the image of the President. These setbacks are nothing and can do little to stop a government that has been able to ignore the will of the American people since they acquired power. The government has decided that a new plan to solve the issues must be implemented to end this crisis as soon as possible.

At first the plan was simple; by ignoring it, they assumed that it would go away. Due to the constant criticism of obviously racially motivated malcontents this plan was considered to not meet their goals. It was then decided that the President should actually get involved and at least show some concern for the plight of the people in the gulf. This was considered a stretch and actually cause the him to not only miss a few tee times, but some of his advisors think it may have had some affect on his golf score.

But his advisors decided that they needed a new plan that they knew would increase the benefit to the President and his overall image. In a moment of inspiration this spill was seen as yet another opportunity created by a crisis. The idea was to utilize the crisis to assist in the agenda of the administration. It fit perfectly into the overall theme of not letting a crisis go to waste. They could use it push through unpopular legislation and quiet disloyal left wingers and far right wing critics. After awhile this strategy seem to also be failing. Several attempts were made to repeat the success of the past, but the crisis continued to grow. With the American people continuing to criticize and the forces aligned against them growing stronger a new plan was needed.

It seems that a new tool that they discovered recently may be the perfect answer to this crisis. It utilizes past experience and is felt to be a great answer. Due to the current majorities the Congress, the leaders on both sides were able to add language to the latest legislation to "deem" that the oil spill has been capped. This may sound a lot like the first strategy but this time there is a twist. This time it has the force of law behind it. A spokesperson stated: "Hey if it works for the budget, then why not for a man-made disaster. They're both the same things. Well, aren't they?"

Before the fall elections they hope to pass additional provisions that will "deem" that the spill never occurred. It is thought that this will lock in the November elections for the party in power and remove this ugly incident from history.

Pedro's Fake News Network (PFNN) - We put the P back into the fake network news.

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Thursday, April 29, 2010

President Takes Bold Decisive Action on Immigration

Washington, DC (PFNN) Sources within the Administration have stated that the President is preparing to sign an executive order to undo the Arizona's irresponsible act of defending its citizens. In their reckless attempt to fulfill their oath to serve and protect the citizens of Arizona the state government has dared to defy the National government and choose to fulfill their oaths to enforce the laws. In response the EO orders the immediate deployment of the National Guard to the state to disarm all local and state law enforcement agents and to arrest the governor and members of the state government. In an attempt to smooth over relations with the Mexican government, the President is expected to fly to Mexico City to make a formal apology to the Mexican people and turn over sovereignty of all lands within the borders of the former State of Arizona to Mexican officials.

The Mexican government is expected to begin immediate deportation of any racist Yankee Gringos that reside within the surrendered territory. It is expected that the transfer of power should be relatively short due to many of the past efforts to convert much of the state to bilingual signs and packaging. One major issue will be the removal of any remaining English signs and documents. This is necessary to insure consistency with the rest of Mexico. But the transformation will go much faster after the new government takes full possession.

It may require additional time if any now illegal US citizens attempt to stay and must be removed by force. It is expected that the Mexican Federal Police and the US National Guard should be able take care of any right winger who choose to disobey the evacuation order. It may be harder to determine how many other Central or South Americans are currently occupy the territory, but they will also need to be relocated north of the new border.

It is hoped that this move will satisfy the Mexican people and quiet any tension between these neighboring countries. If not, Texas, New Mexico, Nevada, and/or California may have to be turned over one by one or together as reparation for the unforgivable crime of the American people simply asking that they be protected and the established laws be enforced by their government. Only time will tell.

© Pedro's Fake News Network (PFNN) - We put the P back into the fake network news.

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Wednesday, April 28, 2010

New May Day Celebration

Washington (PFNN) April 18, 2010 - Rumors of a new move to embrace better relations with the rest of the world have been heard. It seems that with the guidance of the new "Labor Relations CZAR" Andy Stern, the White House is preparing to sign an Executive Order to rename May 1st or May Day to Labor Day. Since the rest of the world celebrates the first of May as Labor Day it will help to improve communications and relations with the rests of the world.

To celebrate this change the order also mandates that mandatory festive parades be organized in all major cities that will replace the current outdated and unfriendly to international traditions, May Poll dances and other celebration of spring events. To keep with the international flavor local unions will provide marchers holding pro-labor banners with picture of some of the heroes of the Revolution, the unions, and the President. These will include: Chairman Mao, Che Guevara, Vladimir Lenin, Karl Marx, Leon Trotsky, and Joseph Stalin too name a few. To help out in this spirit of international labor, these parades will consist mainly of military equipment such as fully armed tanks, soldiers, and in some cities jet fighters and bombers. Due to scheduled cut backs in military spending, the Administration is contacting foreign countries to see if they can provide troops for this glorious celebration of Labor Day. It is uncertain if these troops will be used to "encourage" 100% attendance.

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Early reports say that China has volunteered 6 million troops, Venezuela will send 50,000, and a report from Mexico that: "They have already sent enough troops across the border and most are already in position." Other countries are expected to join in as they better understand to final goals of our leader.

It has also be heard that to avoid confusion, the old Labor day will be renamed to "Kill a Capitalist Day."

Pedro's Fake News Network (PFNN) - We put the P back into the fake network news.

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